Dealing with the death of a friend and loved one

You can never really be prepared for the death of a close friend. No matter what age or stage of life, the death of a close friend is hard to handle.

After a loss, the hole in your life seems overwhelming. But the symptoms of grief are common to many people, and there are concrete steps you can take to help ease the pain as you cope with the death of your friend. Here are three things that could help:

1. Ask for Help

Unlike a physical injury where your cast or crutches are visible, it’s easy to forget that someone is hurting. Even those who remember may be worried, they’ll most likely say the wrong thing. Let friends know if you want to talk about your loss or if you’re not up for scheduled plans. If you can, take a few days off from work.

2. Connect with Mutual Friends

Sharing memories with mutual friends can help bring light in a dark time. Reminiscing and laughing over fond memories of your loved friend with other acquaintances can help with the feelings of loneliness that are sure to creep in.

3. Find Comforting Rituals

Try to keep yourself busy with things that you enjoy. Sometimes, doing activities that you and your friend liked doing together can help to work through the pain of their passing.

http://springfieldhospice.com/2017/08/12/dealing-death-friend/  

Dealing with the death of friend is never easy, but as the months go by, my memories will bring more smiles than tears.

Tags:

 care, grief, help, hospice, seniors, support

Steps for Supporting Grieving Family and Friends: Support vs. Comfort

What is the difference?  Well, comfort suggests a longing to free someone from their pain and make them feel a smaller amount of sadness, while support suggests a longing to offer assistance. Over time you’ve probably become good at the comfort part (we all have), so when you approach someone who is grieving your first inclination may be to fall back on words of positivity.  You really want to take away their hurt and so you find yourself saying things that look for a silver lining and which begin with “at least”.  Platitudes, “at leasts”, and inspiring statements may be well meant, but they often lessen the significance of a person’s loss and make it seem as though you either don’t care or aren’t giving attention to the reality that is in front of you.

Instead of endeavoring to comfort the person who’s grieving, we recommend focusing on what you can do to support them in moving forward through the hurt.  Try starting with the following three steps:

1.  Reiterate:

       “I do not want to provide comfort. I want to provide support.”

2. Ask yourself:

• What form of support is proper bearing in mind the closeness and/or tone of my relationship with the person who’s grieving?
• What does my friend or family member appear to need?  Emotional support? Logistical support? Both?
• What am I good at? What am I most skilled of providing?  What unique strong points do I have that could be helpful?

3.  Significant things to do:

• Show sincere care and compassion:
  • No one knows the right thing to say, so stop stressing.
  • Concentrate on giving the person care and compassion. Sometimes this is as simple as asking how the person is doing and then actually listening to what they have to say.
• Provide concrete assistance:
  • It’s useful to offer specific help. Consider a list of things you can do and then just go ahead and offer – they can always say no.
• Actively listen:
  • Talking to someone who will simply listen is sometimes precisely what a person needs.  
• Be present:
  • Without hovering, be available to the griever by letting them know they can call at any time and by casually check in once in a while.
• Remember:  
  • Grief lasts forever and people often continue to struggle for months and years after a death.  
  • Continue to check in sporadically, especially on days that might be hard like birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, milestones and special events.  This will send the message that you understand and accept their enduring pain.  

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What to Anticipate When You Are going through the Grieving process

What are some common responses when you lose someone you love?

Grief can be agonizing and overpowering, and sometimes frightening. As you grieve, you may have anxiety about your responses. You may wonder if your feelings and responses are normal. Here are some of the commonly felt grief reactions as described by many people in mourning.

You may sense a range of emotions:

• Sadness or hopelessness that comes and goes suddenly
• Nervousness about life without your loved one
• Guilt or anger over things done and said, or things not done and said
• Appreciation that your loved one’s suffering is over
• Rejecting that the loss actually occurred
• Relief that you no longer have to be concerned
• Shock

You may experience feelings such as:

• Tightness in the throat
• Heaviness in the chest
• Loss of appetite
• Mood swings
• Sensing your loved one’s presence
• Hearing your loved one’s voice
• Extreme forgetfulness
• Excessive fatigue
• Sleeplessness 
• Trouble concentrating

You may act out of character:

• Crying at unexpected times
• Overeating
• Under-eating
• Wandering aimlessly
• Assuming the mannerisms or traits of your loved one
• Exploding in anger
• Telling and retelling stories about your loved one

These are all typical grief reactions. You are not going wild when you feel them. You are grieving because you dared to love.

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A Grateful Heart

What are you thankful for? Here is a list to get you thinking. Happy November!

1. Something in nature - trees or flowers 
2. Some type of technology - phone or tv 
3. A household item - maybe the vacuum cleaner 
4. A personal quality you have - smiling 
5. A physical quality or trait you have - kindness 
6. A skill you have - cooking or sewing 
7. A food item - chocolate 
8. A specific book
9. Something that makes you laugh
10. Something about your job (or work you do)
11. A critter of some sort
12. A specific person and why
13. Weather that you love
14. A smell or scent
15. A specific song
16. A specific season and why
17. Your favorite taste
18. A favorite tradition
19. What you are passionate about
20. A location, city or country
21. An unexpected kindness someone did for you
22. Something common you take for granted
23. Favorite movie
24. Someone you’ve never met who inspired you
25. Something of great comfort
26. What technology you are thankful for
27. A hobby
28. A memory
29. A favorite place (big or small)
30. A holiday and why

Praise the Lord! Give thanks to the Lord, because he is good; his love is eternal.  – Psalms 106:1

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Resolutions for Those Facing Chronic Illness

The normal holiday hustle and bustle is stressful enough, but when you add a serious chronic illness to the mix, life can be extra challenging. The cut-and-paste New Year’s resolutions we all fall back on like losing weight might apply to your situation, but there are a few other resolutions for those facing chronic illness to consider.

1. Give Yourself a Break

When you’re juggling a chronic illness and regular life, it can be difficult to find a moment to relax and unwind – but you should. Set aside a specific time when you can do something that gives you joy; talking to an old friend, getting your nails done or reading a book are great ways to unwind.

Another way to get a break is to ask for assistance. For many, asking for assistance is one of the toughest things they’ll ever have to do. But you might be surprised at how many of your friends and family will be happy to have a specific task they can do to make things easier for you.

Finding a space where like-minded individuals are going through the same thing you are, like a support groups, is another good way to relax and talk about your struggles with people who will understand. Ask your doctor for local support group options or check online with an awareness group specific to your illness like the American Cancer Society, American Heart Association, Alzheimer’s Association or American Lung Association.

2. Advocate for Yourself

One of the best resolutions people facing a chronic illness can do for themselves is to become their own health advocate. Start by learning everything you can about your options, beginning with your health insurance. Make a point of understanding at least the basics of your coverage. If a procedure or prescription is denied, ask why and see if the decision can be changed. Sometimes it’s just a simple coding error that can be easily corrected.

Don’t just question health insurance providers; ask your doctor to explain all your options and the goal of each treatment as well. Make sure you’re on the same page about how the treatment will impact your quality of life. If you’re nervous about asking questions or afraid you’ll forget something, write your questions down in advance.

Finally, get your healthcare paperwork in order. Whether it’s an advance directive, a medical power of attorney or a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order, the best way to ensure your medical wishes will be respected is to put them in writing. Even healthy people can have an accident that renders them unable to communicate their wishes. Don’t wait until a crisis to have your paperwork in order.

3. Focus on What Really Matters

When you’re already stressed, it’s easy to let little things get to you. Try to remember that the most important things in life are the relationships with the people you love. Make a resolution to take time out to tell them all the things you want them to know in a life journal. Share photos, family history, and personal stories. Your family will cherish these memories for the rest of their lives.

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